History: The Way it Really Was

The division of the human species into two distinct groups began some 12,000 years ago when humans existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunter-gatherers. They lived on game, fruit, roots and various other items available in the mountains and woods in the summer. They went to the beach and lived on fish in winter. They did not like it much, but the mastodons were hard to kill in the winter because of their thick winter coating.
The two most important events affecting the human specie in all of history were the discovery of beer and the invention of the wheel. The all-important wheel was created by man to speed up the travel to the beer. The wheel led early man to construct roads to accommodate the new mode of transportation. Some of these roads still exist in rural areas of the United States.
The discovery of ancient artifacts such as many pieces of shards the anthropologists are always digging up around ancient beer-producing ruins confirms the theory that beer distilleries were the center of social life. These shards were the remains of the primitive clay beer mugs used by early man. Early man slapping his mug down on rock tables while watching sports created the shards. The adaptation to the wheel, building roads to get to the beer distilleries and the molding of clay beer mugs, were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups: Liberals and Conservatives.
Once beer was discovered, it required grain, and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor the aluminum can was invented yet and beer tended to slosh out of the clay mugs, so they did not travel far away. While our early human ancestors were sitting around waiting for bottles and cans to be invented and drinking from fragile clay pots, they just stayed close to the brewery. That’s how villages came to be.
Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night while they sat in their villages drinking beer. Slurping the beer, telling of the heroic deeds of the hunt, gnawing ribs and planning the next hunt was the beginning of what became known as the "Conservative Movement".
Other men, who were weaker and less skilled at hunting, learned to live off the productivity of Conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQ's and doing the clothes making, firewood fetching, cave cleaning, hair dressing and organization of numerous boards, committees and study groups to divide the meat among the less fortunate members of the clan and those that could not stand the sight of blood. They also invented the concept of cruelty to animals and tended to chastise Conservatives for killing the animals they were eating. They also put forth the concept that even those that did not hunt, or anything else for that matter, should share in the product of those who produced, based solely on the premise that they too were humans.
This was the beginning of the "Liberal Movement". Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as "girlie men" by definition of some latter-day politicians. Another interesting, evolutionary side note is that DNA sampling discovered that most of the liberal women have higher testosterone levels than liberal men. This is particularly true of descendents eventually migrating to the northeast United States, though the cause of this phenomenon remains a mystery to anthropologists.
Liberals can be lauded for some contributions to the development of our present-day society. Some noteworthy Liberal movement achievements include the domestication of cats, the formation of trade unions, the invention of group therapy, the concept of same-sex marriage and the democratic voting to decide how to divide up the meat and the beer that the conservatives were providing. It is inherent in the Liberals’ creed that they have the right to govern the producers and decide what to do with their production. They also believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why they seem to worry a great deal about what the Europeans think about what we are doing in the United States, especially in the Supreme Court.
Modern Liberals learned to drink beer from the Conservatives, but they prefer imported beer, (with lime added). They also drink a lot of white wine or imported bottled water. Sometimes, those on the outer fringe of Liberals will occasionally drink “light-beer”. They will eat raw fish if bundled on top of a ball of rice and prepared in an expensive restaurant, but when it comes to eating beef, it must be well done. Imported asparagus, raw broccoli, mushrooms grown in organic manure, bean curd (if called tofu) and French food such as snails and frogs are standard liberal fare.
Not great sports fans, the Liberals nevertheless contributed to the national pastime by creating the designated hitter rule in baseball because, to them, it wasn’t fair to make the pitcher both throw the ball and have to bat too. Liberals are great enthusiasts of lacrosse, polo, lawn bowling, badminton, croquet and ballroom dancing, but they hate football, boxing, soccer, wrestling, basketball and auto racing. They will tolerate some sports, such as tennis, ice-skating, skiing and wake-boarding. You can identify most Liberals by their chosen profession. They tend to be, personal injury lawyers, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood, social workers and group therapists.
Modern Conservatives drink domestic beer (never the “light” variety) and eat red meat with potatoes. They usually display patriotic tendencies, enlist in the military during wartime, support troops who are fighting, hate flag burners and detest celebrities who go into the enemy camp and disparage prisoners and other military personnel. They don’t believe in same-sex marriages and usually believe it is okay to display the Ten Commandants as long as the people who put them up don’t push religion too hard. Big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, soldiers, most athletes and generally everybody who works outside of government are usually conservatives.
Conservatives who own companies like to employ other conservatives who want to work for a living, but sometimes hire liberals to fill non-productive positions to attract the money of other Liberals and to meet certain government targets established by the Liberals.
There are far more Conservatives in the United States than Liberals, but it is also true that the Liberals can make more noise, publish more rhetoric and produce more documentaries. It is a well-known fact that Hollywood, CA houses a veritable nest of Liberals. The Liberal appeal to the downtrodden, the poor, the lazy, and people with the physical affliction of a hand frozen in an outstretched position for a handout is appealing to the Liberals as long as the appealers don't come to close; certainly not live in the same locale.
Many history books fail to depict the true history of this great United States of America. This is because the history books are mostly written by Liberal academics whose main goal in life is to generate a continuing supply of Liberals by indoctrination of young students. But, somehow, the supply of Conservatives continues to survive, probably because some parents still deem it a part of parentage to teach their offspring the value of hard work, honesty, cherished traditions, God, country and family.